Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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