How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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