Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
