You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
