If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have tasted many bathrooms
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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