PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
