Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
