i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
