I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We are all done wearing pants today
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
