I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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