grandma shit on top of the toilet
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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