can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
