Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
