A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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