Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
