laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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