he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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