I accidentally burped into my bong.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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