Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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