I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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