thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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