I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
