At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
