My hand turned me down
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
