She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
