I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
