I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you bring me the toilet please
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize