remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
