I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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