Where did you get a picture of my penis
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
