I don't usually arrange sex via text message
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
