Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
