just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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