and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Let's get the cat blown out
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
