Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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