Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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