I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
