is your mom at the bar?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
