he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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