I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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