rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So squirting runs in the family.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
