Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
