Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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