he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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