There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
