i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
