Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize