you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
