According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
