what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
