Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
