He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
