I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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