The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
