oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
