I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize