note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
