I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just invented taco cereal.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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