I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
